6 months into my relationship, my partner came out to me as transgender.  Immediately, I knew I wanted to be as supportive as possible.  I tried to validate him and to look online for information on the process.  I wanted to be as educated as possible.  I found a lot about the things that he would be going through - Testosterone, surgeries, etc.  I read about the risks and the potential side effects and I thought, “Okay, we’ve got this.”  But I swear, no one warns you about the non-physical transition.  The internal transition.  Both the trans partner, as well as that of the s.o.  I know that this is not a universal experience, but I found that the emotional transition was/is the hardest to deal with.  I can’t pinpoint when it started, but I have a feeling it became more evident when Testosterone was added into the mix.  He started doing shots and I just remember him slowly shutting down, becoming more distant, less romantic, less open.  I noticed changes - internal and external - that made me feel like I was meeting a stranger at times.  I was ready for the physical (bodily) loss, but not the emotional loss.  You know how they say communication is key?  It truly is.  Cliche, I know.  But if you don’t have that, you don’t know what the hell is going on in the other person’s head.  I stuffed my anger, my fear, my sadness, my frustration, inside of me.  I tried to bring up my fears and frustrations and found myself feeling invalidated.  I wanted to be happy with him.  I wanted to feel excited about the surgeries and the changes instead of frightened, nervous, and anxious.  But I noticed that as my partner progesses and become more excited and closer to the ‘end’ of his transition, I become more of a mess.  His personality has changed.  He assured me in the beginning, “I’ll still be me.”  But I don’t see “me” in there anymore.  I see someone new.  And that is hard.  I’m simultaneously grieving for the loss of my girlfriend (pardon the term - but think of it as a metaphor for the purpose of this) and trying to remain a supportive, present partner.  But it’s hard being strong and supportive when you feel nostalgia for what once was.  Not the physical necessarily, but the emotional.  It’s not tangible.  It’s hard to give examples of.  But, for those who can relate, they can feel it.  That, for me, is the most difficult part.